Hopeless Wanderer

As I think about how this year is coming to an end, I can't help but to reflect on what has happened and as of lately I have been doing more than enough self reflecting.
It's a bittersweet feeling to realize that this year is almost officially over; but endings are just new beginnings in disguise.


I have always felt out of place in this world, but today specially; I can't quite put my finger on it but I was sitting with my cat on my porch and I realized that I have made myself unhappy, and not purposely.
I have always had this strong self defense mechanism and I think it's just something I was born with but it's so natural for me to feel defensive all the time, and in trying to protect myself, I build these really high walls. And I admire people when they question my walls and want to get around them or even climb them, very few people have gotten close and only a handful have succeeded.
What is even more surprising for me to realize is that I built these walls so high that I even forgot what was on the other side.
And none of this is easy to expose, these are very strong thoughts to feel and there is a hint of pain but there is also immense freedom in realizing that I have been hiding, who I truly am, even from myself.

I wouldn't say that I'm afraid of what people will think of me, I am my biggest critic and my biggest enemy, I am afraid to let other people down but I mostly afraid of letting myself down. I love too strongly sometimes and only end up getting hurt but no amount of pain can change the purity of my heart and though lately I have been hiding behind these beautifully painted and strongly crafted walls, I realize that the only way to reach happiness is to put them down.

I've always tried to protect myself, my true self, with this strong character who I've always dreamed of being, call it my alter ego if you'd like, but I now realize that while I would be protected, I would also be unhappy.
And I understand now my yearning for freedom, and it's not from the world, or from my parents, or from life, it's from myself.

I realize that I can't reach my full potential and make my dreams come true, if I'm not being true to myself. And it's cheesy, "be true to yourself" and the truth is that I never knew how, because defending myself was a priority, but I'm willing to learn now.

I'm a mess, I'm insecure, I'm extremely flawed, I'm broken but I am also very kind, caring, wholesome, loving and passionate. And I have been blessed with this life and though I used to think that I was cursed with a restless mind, I realize that this mind of mine can get me to where I want to be.

I am a hopeless wanderer, and a little person in a huge, huge world, but I am not willing to have this world change me and I am not willing to give into the pressure of society and I am not willing to be another carbon copy because that is not who I am.

This year is coming to an end, and with it, it takes many things that were familiar to me, and who knows where the new year will take me but I am ready for change and I am ready to put down some walls and be as honest as I could possibly be with myself.

Change will take time and a lot of effort but it is going to happen, because I am going to make sure it does.